Theodosius Rex

The Last Roman Emperor

Most people name their pets after favorite foods, fictional characters, or celebrities. We apparently decided that our corgi needed the name of a fourth-century Roman emperor. That’s what writing a dissertation does to you.

His full name is Theodosius Rex, after Theodosius I, better known to history as Theodosius the Great. The historical Theodosius ruled the Roman Empire from 379 to 395 and is generally remembered as the last emperor to rule both the eastern and western halves of the empire.

Our Theodosius rules a much smaller territory. Approximately 1,400 square feet.

He also has considerably stronger opinions about breakfast. The similarities between the two, however, have become increasingly difficult to ignore.

He Believes in an Early Morning Imperial Audience

The historical Theodosius was an emperor, which meant that people presumably waited for him to make decisions before getting on with their day. Theodosius Rex operates under the same principle.

Every morning at approximately 6:00 a.m., he wakes me up. Not because there is an emergency. Not because he needs to go outside. Not because the house is on fire. He wants breakfast. There is no snooze button in the Roman Empire, so there is not one in our house either. Once Theodosius Rex has determined that it is time to eat, negotiations are over. The imperial court has been summoned, the petition has been presented, and the emperor expects immediate compliance. I have tried explaining that 6:00 is early. He remains unconvinced.

He Has Seized the Imperial Bed

Theodosius I inherited an empire that was, to put it mildly, complicated. His reign involved wars, religious disputes, political instability, and the enormous challenge of keeping a sprawling Roman Empire together. Theodosius Rex has faced a similar challenge.

Our queen-size bed. Specifically, my husband's side of it.

Despite having an entire queen-size bed available to him, Theodosius Rex routinely decides that his preferred sleeping location is exactly where his dad is supposed to be. This is not a matter of comfort. It is territorial policy. He will position himself across the bed, frequently occupying an area that seems mathematically impossible for a dog of his size. His legs may be short, but his territorial ambitions are enormous.

Dad's spot is now imperial property. Attempts to reclaim it are treated as an act of rebellion.

He Supervises the Government

The Roman emperor could not personally oversee every corner of the empire. He needed administrators, officials, governors, and an enormous bureaucracy to make sure things happened according to imperial policy.

Theodosius Rex has simplified the system: he supervises me. While I work, he perches on the couch and stares at me. Not casually. Not affectionately. He stares. There is something distinctly imperial about the experience of sitting at a computer while a corgi silently watches you from across the room, as though he is waiting to determine whether your latest email is sufficiently productive. Occasionally, I look over and find him already looking at me. I have no idea what he wants. He knows. Apparently, that is enough.

He Has Established an Imperial Tax on Starbucks

Theodosius I had taxes. Theodosius Rex has pup cups. The arrangement is simple: if someone goes to Starbucks, someone comes home with a pup cup. There is no written law establishing this. There does not need to be. It is customary law. And Theodosius Rex is extremely good at enforcing it. If we return from Starbucks without his offering, he will search for it. He will continue searching. He will inspect the premises. He will investigate bags. He will stare at us. He understands that justice delayed is justice denied, particularly when dairy products are involved. The Romans had an elaborate taxation system. We have a corgi who has figured out how to tax coffee runs.

He Has Delegated Certain Tasks to the Population

One of the great advantages of being emperor is that you do not have to do everything yourself. Theodosius Rex understands this instinctively. For example, if he drops a toy from the bed or couch, he does not retrieve it. Why would he? That is what subjects are for. He looks at the toy. Then he looks at me. Then he looks back at the toy. The message is perfectly clear.
Pick. It. Up.
I am apparently responsible for the maintenance of imperial infrastructure. The toy is returned. The emperor resumes playing. This arrangement has worked remarkably well for him.

He Believes the Empire Should Move at His Pace

Roman armies marched when emperors told them to march. Theodosius Rex walks when Theodosius Rex feels like walking. A walk is not a scheduled activity so much as an imperial expedition whose departure time is determined by the emperor's mood. Sometimes he is ready immediately. Sometimes he would prefer to investigate something under the couch. Sometimes he would prefer to stand somewhere, but sometimes he would prefer to go home. The human concept of “exercise” has little relevance here. The walk proceeds according to his wishes. After all, what kind of emperor would allow someone else to determine his itinerary?

He Has a Very Active Foreign Policy

Theodosius Rex is also deeply committed to border security. Our borders include the sidewalk, the street, the neighboring houses, and apparently the entire observable universe. Any dog that passes? Bark. Any person? Bark. Any car? Bark. A leaf moving in a suspicious manner? Bark. Theodosius Rex does not believe in waiting to determine whether something poses a threat. He believes in making his position known immediately. The historical Roman Empire maintained extensive armies along its frontiers to protect imperial territory. We have a corgi. The strategic philosophy is essentially the same.

Theodosius the Great vs. Theodosius Rex

The historical Theodosius died in 395, leaving the empire to his sons Arcadius and Honorius. He is often remembered as the last emperor to rule the Roman Empire as a single political entity. Theodosius Rex has no such plans. His empire is unified. His borders are secure. His subjects are well trained. Breakfast is served at 6:00. The imperial bed remains under his control. Starbucks is taxed. Toys are retrieved by the populace. Walks occur at the emperor's leisure. And every passing leaf is treated as a potential barbarian invasion. In some ways, Theodosius Rex may actually be a more successful emperor than his namesake. The historical Theodosius could not prevent the eventual division of the Roman Empire. Theodosius Rex has managed to maintain complete control over his household.

Of course, there is one significant difference between the two:

Theodosius the Great had armies, laws, bishops, and imperial bureaucracy at his disposal. Theodosius Rex has a corgi stare. Honestly, I'm not sure which is more effective.

Long live the emperor.